2. the road
on the side of the road
my body
was tensed with pain
if another car or
truck came crashing into us
i could not have moved to save my life
or to save rebekah either
oh god oh god
so much pain
oh
god too much
and then
everything got quiet
i felt like i was becoming a part of the
breeze
flowing through the leaves and weeds
i was going out to
everywhere
and whatever made me who i was
that made me
different from being the road or a tree
took me through its
boundaries
and carried me through all of those in between spaces
to where it was peaceful and free
ah
and then
i heard rebekah calling me
mommy mommy
yes bekah
mommy
she was
crying
i wanted to reach for her
no use
could not move
all i wanted to do was stay with her
and not leave her
and comfort and hold her
we laid there on the road
together
until lights flashed my eyes shut
and they took me away
Page 1 of 5
i could not
understand what was happening
everything was confusing and
muffled
too bright
too fast
cold metal
help
breathe
where is rebekah
someone kept saying stay with us
then i heard
bekah’s voice
coming from somewhere out there
she
sounded like a little bell far away
like a ringing little bell
singing into my heart
live
i need you
live mommy
i love
you
oh god
pain
i
went from one place to another
terrified tubes would be put down
my throat
terrified doctors would cut on me
and i would know
it
someone said my
blood gasses were okay
temperature was okay too
later the one
story brick country clinic released me
i have no memory of
leaving
i did not know how
lucky we were
that rebekah was alive and that i had my legs
until some time later
when we went to see the van
Page 2 of 5
it looked like a bomb
had gone off in the back of the van
the custom built bench where rebekah was resting
her head propped up on a pillow as she read
was splintered chaos
there was this tiny triangle where
my legs
must have been trapped
metal was crushed in all around this tiny
little triangle
one of my sandals was stuck in the metal
my
eyes welled up
i was overcome and began to cry
how could my legs
have fit in there
bekah said they didn't
your other leg was over
and behind
the big hump of metal
between the front seats
your
back was laying on top of it
oh
someone explained
later that the car that hit us
was going down the two lane highway
some where between 55 and 80 miles per hour
there weren’t any skid marks
which meant the driver never put
on his brakes
the force of the crash
sent our 3/4 ton van up into the air
it flew back from the car that hit us
and landed about ten feet away
when it came crashing down on its nose
the rear rocked
and slammed the back of the van onto the ground
with so much force i was sure another car had hit us
but it hadn't
it was the sudden stop back down to earth
i felt
that day on his way home
the same late afternoon sun streaked through
the other driver's windows too
he left behind his wife and three small children
investigators figured alcohol or drugs wasn’t a
factor
maybe he had a heart attack or a stroke
or he might
have fallen asleep at the wheel
he had been working a lot of
overtime
i heard he and his wife were saving
to open a pastry shop in town
when the accident
happened
my boys were in new york visiting their dad
matt had
turned thirteen the year before
and had decided to go live with
his dad for awhile
he wanted a chance to get to know him better
that was the first year the boys had ever been apart
they were
missing each other
they wanted to spend some
male bonding time
together
so
steve left a couple of weeks earlier
and rebekah was set to join them
upstate soon
the day of the
crash
matt was graduating the eighth grade
when he got the
news
your mom and your sister have been in an accident
you’d
better go home
he ran all of the way
not knowing if we were alive or dead
Page 3 of 5
my sister must have
called the boys
i remember hearing their sweet voices
and
thinking
maybe i will never see my sons again
no
that was too much
that could not happen
i had to see them again
hearing the voices
of my children
calling me
gave me hope
they were my
lifeline
their love kept me from sinking
into the confusion
and pain
and filled me with the strength and determination
to
survive
gritting through
the indescribable pain
had created an unusual
comfort
when i thought about dying as an alternative
to what i was living through
it all
seemed like such a quiet welcome relief
and yet i willed
to
hear rebekah's voice
to see matt and steve and hold them again
and see their smiling eyes once more
they were so young
they
would have been so sad
being left like that
it was
unthinkable
i had to keep trying to get better
the boys
did not know how bad things were
when they came home that summer
none of us did
they were relieved to hear i was alive
they
thought everything must be okay
no broken bones
the hospital
let me go
so everything must have been okay
but everything
wasn't okay
i got lost in my
mind
in all that pain
and there i stayed
some time later
i started to shake all over
and went to an emergency room
no-one knew what was wrong
they did not know my brain was swelling
brain swelling did not
give me a temperature
brain swelling did not show up
in my
blood gasses either
it could not be seen by shining a light into
my eyes
a nurse told me to
pee in a cup
then she disappeared behind some glass or a
curtain
her steps down that hall echoed all of my hopes
someone was going to help me
but when she came back she glared
at me and said
you'd better pee in that cup or i'll put a
catheter in you
i was already so afraid
in so much pain
she
did not know
to her i was taking too much time
being difficult
i smiled and tried to pee
i was
telling my body what to do
but it wasn't listening
i was nervous
and in so much pain
the thought of more
made me panic
my sister cynthia got me something to drink
finally enough ran
out of me
for the sample cup
brain swelling did not show up
in my urine either
i guess they figured i was okay
because they sent me home
Page 4 of 5
without good
insurance or a doctor who knew me
i was left to the mercy and suspicion of the very
people
i relied on for my survival
at the time i didn't
understand why this was so
but i felt it
and it was disturbing and
incredibly frustrating
while all of this was
going on
pain
kept slamming me head on
back to reality
i knew
there was no way my body could
hold it all
it would eventually break through
and then it did
i started shaking all over again
cold gripped me
right through
my bones
i went back to the emergency room
i do not remember what
they did
i think they gave me a shot
they did not understand how
serious
the accident had been
they sent me home too
i think this
was when someone referred me
to the brain injury department of the
hospital
during this time rebekah
was in terrible bad pain
her back was completely bruised
and she was black and blue
on one side of her body from top to bottom
her nose was broken and her lip was cut
her face was also bruised and swollen
as her little body
slowly began to heal
she tried her best to get on with everyday life
but i could see
she was becoming increasingly frustrated
i could see
the fear in her eyes
i told the doctors my daughter wasn’t the same
she was in pain
but no one listened and
no one helped her
that summer
rebekah met up with her dad and brothers
on crutches
and i stayed inside thinking
one day maybe
maybe one day
i won't wake up anymore
and
this will all be over
one day maybe
maybe one day
i will wake up and be back to myself again
but that one day never came
a part of me stayed on that patch of road
in those trees
and i never got it back
Page 5 of 5
copyrights reserved by jenn weinshenker
 
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